I personally get knocked off course by any kind of transition and I crave resolution. So I started thinking about how to counter all these minor transitional wobbles and wondering how I can spot them in the first place.
Big Transitions
The top ten most stressful life events include all the big transitions; birth, death, marriage, divorce, moving house and losing a job. Humans are pretty good at navigating through well-defined change but are not so great at dealing with uncertainty. Most of us will experience one or more of these big transitions first hand so there’s an abundance of knowledge, services and experience to be shared. Which is helpful.
Hidden transitions
After a big transition, there is often a period of hidden transition.
Last week you were an unmarried, possibly cohabiting with/out children individual and now you’re part of a century’s old institution with all the responsibilities, expectations and benefits that come with being a husband or wife. You think the transition is the wedding but after that is another very real transition as you go from ‘together’ to ‘married’. It can be unsettling.
Same with earning your driving license; it’s when you start driving that you really learn how to drive.
Tiny transitions
Big transitions are known as such. You only have to mention that you’re moving house and people will assume that you’re stressed out and will back off or offer help.
But life is also littered with small, niggly transitions that aren’t obvious even to us and yet they contribute to the quality of our daily lives just as much as a big change might.
Anyone who takes classes and has to take a summer break might relate to how this can create a weird transition between the last class and the next one. Lots of people might be happy for the break, but for others who miss the people and the routine are left a gap in their schedules. The break feels uncomfortable and we forget all the benefits of going and before we know it a year has gone by and it’s something that we used to do…
Fake transitions
As I’ve been thinking about transitions I’ve been wondering if some of my self-imposed transition periods are a form of procrastination. There can be very good reasons to wait, e.g. it’s better to save up than to go into debt. But what if the reasons to wait are arbitrary and are masking something else, like fear...? Is it a transition or am I just stalling for time?
Stuck in transition or just stuck?
If you want to change jobs but you’re not applying, you are not in a transition between jobs; you’re just stuck in a crappy one.
If you’re applying, waiting for responses and having interviews you are in transition.
One state is moving forward and the other is not moving at all. It’s very helpful to face up to the difference.
Beware?
Transitions are not inherently good or bad. As ever, knowledge is power so if you are feeling irritable, nervous and unsettled ask yourself if you are between one thing and another in some way. Just knowing a thing can be reassuring.
We are not powerless under the slow waves of transition. There are things we can do!
Be prepared
Preparation is always beneficial. Take a leaf out of expectant parents’ book – many pregnant people do Olympic level preparations and you can too. Whatever it might be there are always little steps you can take day to day while you’re waiting for the big turning point. Read the news and the website before the interview, test the packaging before you open the online shop or bake the cake 4 times before the party. Experience and learning is always worthwhile!
Bring it forward
Have you set a nonsense deadline that’s too soon to meet or too far way to care about? How come you haven’t already taken action? Were you saying the same thing last year?
If you don’t want to be stuck and there’s no good reason to be, scratch the deadline and start. Then at least you’ll be in an actual transition! Moving forward is the aim; do it gently if needed, but you do want to do it. Don’t you?
I use this version often: I set myself a deadline or a goal that feels far away and thus not scary and then I think ‘Oh I’ll just try this related activity in the meantime, it doesn’t count.’ I perform badly under pressure so I relieve the pressure with the deadline and then I cut the transition time out and just start. It’s a trick but it’s convincing enough that it works! Lots of stuff that ‘doesn’t count’ ends up being really good, worthwhile stuff.
Accept things as they are now
‘This transition period is hard. It’s uncomfortable and slow. I hate it, etc.’ Engage in all your real or imagined complaints and then ask yourself:
What if this is it? This is my job. This is it for the next 3 years. I go there every day, my salary stays the same and this is it until at least 2020, which is basically sci-fi future times.
How do you feel?
Do you think, actually, that would be kind of restful? I really quite like my job. I’d be sad to leave my colleagues.
Do you believe there’s no way that can happen because of this, this and this. I won’t even be in this job next year!
Do you think f… no. OMG. No. I’m going to die here.
The point is, if you have a serious chat with yourself and/or someone else and you actually listen to the emotions that you feel, well, you already know what you need to do.
Which is it; you’re stuck and need to move, the transition is underway or you’re already there?
Not stuck, just waiting
Sometimes we really can’t move on. Something is coming, we’re ready but we can’t make it come any faster. In that case make the best of it. Imagine the best use of the time you have and try to implement that. If you’re nervous the distraction will help, if you’re high achieving the time will feel well spent and if you’re a bit worn out you can embrace a clearly defined period of rest.
Talk it out even more
People will go into great detail about the wedding, but what happens after the wedding, not so much. Same with funerals; six months after the death is when the ones left behind need support the most.
Talking always helps and change is best discussed. Bring it up and be open. This doesn’t have to be a big whinge fest. Most of us realize that going from a known state to a new one is hard. Just saying out loud ‘It didn’t occur to me that arranging (insert milestone moment here) would be so boring’ can be a massive relief.
Take the opportunity
Transitions always provide us with an opportunity for positive changes. It’s much easier to piggyback a new goal or habit onto something that’s already coming. So use this to your advantage and bring bonus good changes along with the major change that’s coming anyway, and use the transition time to get yourself ready.
I feel sick
It’s wonderful to be in the moment and enjoy the ride. However, during any transition from one thing to the next it’s never too late to ask ‘Are we nearly there yet?’ or ‘Uhm… sorry… where did you say we were going?’
It’s your transition, so if you need a leg stretch or a wee on the way it’s always better to stop at a service station than to have an accident on the road.
The end.
Or is it..?
Kim
Co-founder, The Clean Sheet