This particular podcast is one of Gretchen Rubin’s ‘A Little Happier’ mini-casts. She poses the question:
Do you want to be careful or do you want to be friends?
Last year I was very focused on my relationships and how I spend my time so this question resonated with me. I think it can be seen from both sides and interpreted in a number of ways. It also got me thinking about ‘dangerous’ friends.
Points to ponder
Do you have to be careful because someone is (or you are?)
- Sensitive or very emotional
- Extremely opinionated and vocal or silent and mysterious
- A gossip or over-sharer
- Overly negative or positive
- An impulsive risk-taker or cautious and methodical
- Very critical or universally accepting
- Interprets ideas in a very different way
It’s worth being reminded that none of the traits listed above are inherently good or bad; it can be a lot of fun to gossip with friends for example, especially if you trust those friends and don’t have to be careful.
The false choice
What I enjoy about this question is that it is a false choice; we can be careful and be friends.
For example, at one time or another there might be something that we decide not to mention just now as feelings are still raw and commonly there are certain topics that it’s just not worth raising in certain company because we already know it’ll end in a disagreement.
Part of friendship is respecting each other’s boundaries and caring enough not to cross them too often. It’s kind to be a bit careful.
New friends
The other way I interpreted this idea was the one that first sprung to mind and that is ‘Do you want to be careful or do you want to be friends?’ as a challenge.
Sometimes we make a new friend who is different from us and a living alternative to our everyday lives. Such a friend can feel like a glimpse into another enticing world and taking the first steps in that direction can be exciting and even feel a little reckless. If it’s a good fit, it’s extremely life enhancing to meet someone new, experience and explore a new world together and eventually become a part of it.
Dangerous friends
Which got me thinking about the ‘dangerous’ friend. One version of this is the new friend that lives an extreme, overindulgent life, who doesn’t seem to bother too much about what anyone thinks and appears to be living it up in complete freedom. Those kinds of friends might ask us ‘do you want to be careful or do you want to have a good time (i.e. be MY friend)?’ and then who knows what might happen? And that’s part of the fun, right?
Sometimes we don’t want to be careful. We want to be friends!
Doubt
The ‘dangerous’ friend can creep up on us too… Friendships change over time and what was once healthy might not be a few years later.
Occasionally we have to protect ourselves and others and if someone is hurt or undermined by a friendship, asking if you want to be careful or you want to be friends helps us to address our doubts as to whether it is actually beneficial to stay friends.
Do you want to be friends?
If your immediate response is ‘Yes I want to be friends!’ then you can enter problem-solving mode and try to resolve why it is that you have to be so careful in the first place.
Do you want to be careful?
Being careful implies a lot of mental work and high potential for harm. Is it worth it? Imagine if you weren’t friends anymore. Does life seem simpler? Do you feel relieved? Do you just need to set some clearer boundaries?
Are you being careful at all?
Are you the ‘dangerous’ friend? Do you have to convince your friends to do things that you want to do? Do you have friends or admirers? Do you actually care about them?
Do you want to be careful or do you want to be friends?
Fascinating!
Kim
Co-founder, The Clean Sheet